[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
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You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Childbirth is so beautiful
I mean…but I did
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror