*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
You Might Also Like
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
SCARY COSTUME
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty