Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.