hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.