hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.