hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.