HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
This kid is a star!
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.