*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
You can’t rush stupid.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.