*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Sharon I have some bad news
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.