@GianDoh
@KelleysBreakRm When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
You Might Also Like
@KelleysBreakRm 
@mikeleffingwell My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
@felixoshea It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
@kyry5 [1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
@robotrowboat [death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
@BadJordon Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
@causticbob I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
@joeygllghr I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
@stephenjmolloy [3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
@OfficeofSteve [The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket