[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
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[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Breaking news:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera