Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.