Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Taking phone security to the next level.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.