Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Stop being racist to kettles.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too