Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep