@bobvulfov

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

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@sofarrsogud

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

@slimmy_shady

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

@Ramitology

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

@OllyiConic

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

@XplodingUnicorn

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

@TragicAllyHere

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

@ShortSleeveSuit

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

@osoplain

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

@Cyd10e

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.