hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Breaking news:
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.