@bobvulfov

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

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@bencoffeehall

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

@TheAndrewNadeau

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

@debon7

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@MikeBigby

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

@JeremyTiang

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@BuckyIsotope

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

@WheelTod

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

@Browtweaten

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah