I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
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LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
me: in a nutshell, yeah