@sofarrsogud If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
@bobvulfov hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
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@sofarrsogud 
@slimmy_shady “The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
@Ramitology When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
@OllyiConic Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
@XplodingUnicorn Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
@dinnersruined How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
@TragicAllyHere A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
@ShortSleeveSuit PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
@osoplain I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
@Cyd10e Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.