Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
oh shit
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
oh u like geography? name every lake
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.