hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
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Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
this post was so formative to me
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.