Hmmmmm
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
i’m sure it’s fine
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Hmmmmm
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*