Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
#damn
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Note to self: I am a note
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea