Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
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Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Um … Hot Wings please
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents