Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”