Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.