Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Beware of the dog..
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty