Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”