
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.