@anbrll00
@david8hughes On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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@david8hughes 
@RappaRick Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
@IanDouglasTerry Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
@monigrms Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
@ndiquote interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
@UncleBob56 Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
@smilely_gal 7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
@TheToddWilliams You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
@IamEnidColeslaw ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
@OhNoSheTwitnt If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.