Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.