@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

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@david8hughes

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

@RappaRick

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@monigrms

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

@ndiquote

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

@UncleBob56

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

@smilely_gal

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

@TheToddWilliams

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.