Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
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If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Always 🥴
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man