Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on