Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.