Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.


I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.


Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer


“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”


Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it


BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time


[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]


Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.


*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.