Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
the three branches of government
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
let’s discuss
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
From my Mom
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”