Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@OllyiConic

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

@capnwatsisname

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

@dumbbeezie

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@DandyTruman

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

@bobvulfov

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

@Fred_Delicious

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

@UnFitz

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

@ThisOneSayz

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.