“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
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Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.