Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You Might Also Like
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.