@_wangwe

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

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@lynyrdsbackyard

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

@FloodyHippie

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

@justinshanes

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

@liljonlovitz

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

@CelebrityGaucho

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

@Kyle_Lippert

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@ComicLover_94

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

@GrowlyGrego

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”