@lynyrdsbackyard Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
@_wangwe Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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@lynyrdsbackyard 
@FloodyHippie A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
@justinshanes Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
@liljonlovitz PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
@CelebrityGaucho [Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
@Kyle_Lippert I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
@girl_a_whirl 18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
@ComicLover_94 One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
@WoodyLuvsCoffee STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
@GrowlyGrego Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”