Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”