Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.