*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal