*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
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It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Gemma Correll
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no