*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
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Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?