[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.