[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
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I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.