*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”