*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”