*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.


me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt


Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.


Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.


Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide


*walks in*


*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry


I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.


Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.


I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.