*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Weighing up my bread heating options
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”