@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

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@sixfootcandy

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

@KeetPotato

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

@awkwardphilippe

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

@lukeplusone

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

@BeckFlatley

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.