@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

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@WilliamAder

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

@thedad

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

@ThisOneSayz

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

@GensPlace

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

@MrSpoonicorn

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@Cyd10e

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

@ShootyDoody

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

@JimmerThatisAll

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things