*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.