*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock