*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing


I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.


[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason


how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours


*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong


When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.