*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.