[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Somebody’s lying.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.