*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?