Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”