*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Education is vital
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way