*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Are we there yet?…
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)