*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You Might Also Like
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4