*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.