Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
best first i’ve ever seen
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!