Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim